Below are three simple ideas that will help guide you to re-build your life on your own.

1. Become firmly grounded in the present moment.

If you find yourself on the other side of a relationship, it is important that you have a deep awareness of what you are feeling in the present moment.  Continually check in with yourself.  Notice what is going on with you if you are experiencing emotional upset.  Your body is always in the present, but where is your mind?

It may be very tempting for you to delve into your past replaying events over and over again in your head.  The reality is, you can't change your past, so trying to do so is futile.  Just accept everything as it is.  Find peace around the thought that both of you were operating to the best of your ability, given the circumstances, at any moment in time.
 
Equally futile is casting your mind into the future, wondering what life could have, would have, should have been like had you stayed with your partner.  The truth is that your future is going to look somewhat different to what you may have previously anticipated.  Do your best to accept it.

If you manage to stay in the present moment, most of the pain you will experience will be growing pains.  You are transforming from one state of being to another.  It's not going to be easy.  Whether your new state of being is a good one largely comes down to the choices you make.  If you take responsibility for where you are right now you will slowly begin to see you life unfold as it should.

2. Breaking up with someone is a creative as well as a destructive process.

It was Pablo Picasso that stated that 'every act of creation is necessarily an act of destruction'. 

Whether you like it or not, breaking up with girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife is a creative process as much as it is a destructive process.  What you are in fact doing is deconstructing your life with your partner and re-creating your life where your partner takes on a different role to the one they had previously.  In extreme cases, you may even decide that your partner will have no future role in your life.

This creative process can be turbulent and it can also be profoundly enjoyable and exciting.  What you have is an opportunity to start over.  If it feels right for you, completely immerse yourself into the creative process.  Take the opportunity to try as many new things as you possibly can.  You may well astound yourself with what you are capable of doing on your own.

3. Allow yourself to regenerate.

If you are going through a break up allow yourself plenty of time to regenerate.  Focus on the things that you can control.  Make sure that you exercise regularly, eat properly and get plenty of rest.  Read, spend time with family and close friends and spend plenty of time in nature.

Take things slowly, look after yourself and create the time and space in your life necessary to allow yourself to start growing again.

Remember two things.

However you choose to adapt to this change process, it is of critical importance that you remember two things;

i) be kind to yourself and
ii) be kind to your ex-partner. 

Whether your break-up was hard fought or amicable, extending compassion to your old friend will help you both immensely in the healing process.  Remember that you are both beautifully human, doing the best you can to navigate through this world.

Copyright Damien Senn 2005. All rights reserved.

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