Copyright 2006 Mark MatloffPerfectionism. How can such a perfect-sounding word give
us so much trouble? All too often, Alzheimer?s family
caregivers explode their personal stress levels by
demanding too much of themselves.
The problem is that, for a caregiver, it is impossible to
be completely perfect. There are just too many demands.
And if we have unyielding perfectionistic expectations of
ourselves, what will happen when we fall short?
Unfortunately, when that happens, we can proceed to
torment ourselves about our mistake.
So, what should we do about perfectionism? Understanding
the psychology of perfectionism can help us cope with it.
Pefectionism starts out innocently enough: a person
desires to do better at something.
So far so good.
But, for many people, this desire to improve does not stop
at that point. It can mutate into a driving demand with no
toleration for any kind of mistake. Making a mistake
leads the perfectionist to condemn him/herself. When
he/she goofs, the perfectionist can think "I made a mistake
- therefore I'm no good!" In this way, some people fall
into the trap of mercilessly trashing themselves completely
? just for being human.
And blind perfectionists will then work like crazy just to
avoid re-experiencing their own self-condemnation the next
time they (inevitably) make another mistake. So the
perfectionist falls victim to a cycle of making
extraordinary personal demands, not meeting all of his/her
demands, trashing him/herself with guilt, resolving to be
better next time (in order to not feel guilty), and
striving to meet yet a newer and harsher set of demands.
Mix well and repeat.
Why do many of us become perfectionistic? Some of us seem
to be born perfectionists. It is also likely that
perfectionists have learned this style. It all depends on
how you think about things.
Nonperfectionists can roll with the punches. They can still
see themselves as being OK even when they make a mistake.
They learn from their goofup, and hopefully improve next
time. They can still strive to do better, but their
self-worth is not tied up with having to be best, to do
best, and to have the absolute best outcomes.
People who suffer from unbridled perfectionism, however,
automatically and relentlessly put themselves down whenever
they are anything less than perfect - which can be all of
the time for us less-than-perfect humans.
Blind perfectionism can make caregiving harder. Caregivers
have to deal with many ongoing demands of their lives, such
as: taking care of their loved ones, their home, their
finances, their family, attending to chores and errands,
and dealing with constant challenges and demands that crop
up. Remember that it is just not possible to be perfect
under all these circumstances. And the consequences of
rampant perfectionism are costly: guilt, anger, anxiety,
even depression ? especially for Alzheimer?s caregivers
So, what should a dedicated perfectionist do? It is
possible to tame your perfectionistic attitude. Here are
some ideas:
1. Develop a sane approach to your tasks. Understand that
you do not have to relentlessly drive yourself to do
everything perfectly. So what if all the dishes aren?t
done or the clothes put away right now? You?ll get to it!
2. Understand and remind yourself often that it is
impossible to be completely perfect.
3. Notice when you do something well, and relax your
demand for it to be THE BEST. Strive to be good enough.
4. Catch yourself when you are being too harsh on
yourself. Take a few breaths and back off.
5. Prioritize. Make a list of what you really need to do.
Select which tasks are the most important ones to deal with
now. Put your attention and energy into handling them.
6. Where possible, take breaks, even little ones. Give
yourself opportunities to rest and recharge. Remember
that caregiving is a marathon experience, not a sprint.
7. Appreciate the power of mistakes We can learn from our
mistakes and thereby improve.
8. Get some assistance to help you take a break now and
then. Perhaps your family, friends, local Alzheimer?s
Association chapter or Office on Aging can point you in the
right direction.
9. If you are stuck in this perfectionistic pattern,
consider consulting a mental health professional or ask
your physician for some ideas.
11. Please remember that I am not suggesting that you give
up on your caregiving tasks. It?s a matter of changing
your attitude about your tasks. You can strive to do your
best and, at the same time, refuse to put yourself down for
not being absolutely perfect.
Alzheimer?s Family Caregiver Support is a series of
articles to help empower someone who cares for a person
with Alzheimer?s disease. The material in this article is
educational, and is not a substitute for professional
advice.
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With more than 28 years of professional experience, Mark
Matloff, Ph.D. brings his skills and passion to helping
people and agencies improve and thrive. Since his graduate
research in gerontology, he has worked with Alzheimer's
caregivers, the elderly, and a variety of caregiving
agencies, in addition to his general adult outpatient
private practice. He is a private practicing psychologist,
author, speaker, consultant, and coach. His recent book,
"Strength in Caring: Giving Power Back to the Alzheimer's
Caregiver," is a resource for family members caring for a
person with Alzheimer's disease. You can subscribe to his
free newsletter for Alzheimer's family caregivers by
sending a blank email to
caregiverhelp@aweber.com
You can learn more about his book at
http://Strengthincaring.com
