Copyright 2006 Tim LinkIn the first article on fierce conversations, we examined
the fact that doing business is essentially an extended
series of conversations. We also talked about the fact
that ongoing business success is dependent upon the ability
to regularly engage in conversations that are robust,
thought provoking and passionate. These are what we refer
to as fierce conversations. This concept is so elegantly
simple, yet so very critical, that we are devoting a series
of three newsletters to the concept.
This is the second of three articles on the subject of
fierce conversations and in this issue, we focus on
listening. Why it is so important, why few of us are
consistently effective listeners and what can be done to
improve listening skills. We also address the use of
silence which is one of the most powerful, yet
underutilized tools for effective conversation.
Are you listening?
As humans on this planet, we all have a basic need to feel
understood. In order to feel understood, we need to feel
heard. We need to know that the person we are talking to
has put their own thoughts and agenda aside so they can
give us their full attention. If this doesn?t happen, it
doesn?t matter who?s right, who?s smarter or who has a
better solution. Without truly listening, it?s virtually
impossible to reach a positive outcome to a fierce
conversation.
Who hasn?t had the experience of having a frustrating
conversation? One where we felt like the other person
wasn?t really listening. Where you could tell they were
just waiting for their chance to speak. How productive
are those conversations? Not very. When one party doesn?t
feel heard the conversation breaks down and both parties
leave frustrated.
In order to really listen, we must be fully present. What
are you doing when engaged in conversation? When you?re on
the phone are you also typing away at your keyboard? When
having a conversation, it is not time to be multi-tasking.
Check in with yourself. Are you thinking about what you?re
going to say next? What you?re going to have for lunch? So
often, our brain takes a break while in the middle of a
conversation. And when we allow this to happen, we
undermine our ability to connect through listening.
When we do not give the other party our 100% attention, we
essentially tell them they are not important to us. We
will also miss many subtle cues that tell us what?s going
on beneath the surface. Ultimately we lose the chance to
have a fierce conversation.
If listening is so important, why is it so hard?
Many people think they are good listeners, when more often
that not, they?re just good talkers. Instead of tuning in
fully to the person across from them, people spend their
time sharing knowledge, offering tips or solutions and
providing feedback. The result is that one of the two
people in the conversation feels talked to rather than
listened to.
One reason why listening is so difficult can be traced back
to basic brain science. On average, our mind processes
between 600 and 1000 words per minute. Yet, most people
speak at the rate of about 125 words per minute. This
leaves quite a gap in speaking speed versus processing
speed. This gap is a temptation to tune out. We could
call this mouth speed versus mind speed. So what happens
in the act of listening, or trying to listen, is that the
brain starts multi-tasking, and can go on a number of its
own little detours before coming back to the person that is
speaking. So that by the time the other person finishes
their thoughts, we?ve taken a mini-vacation!
Tips for Listening
1. Listening does not equal agreeing. Active listening
requires you put your agenda aside for as long it takes to
be sure you understand the other person?s position. The
more complex the issue, the longer it takes. When we
listen instead of talking we can start to feel like we?re
implying that we agree and are tempted to start defending
our position. Resist the temptation! Just because you are
listening to their words, emotions and body language, it
doesn?t mean you are agreeing with their position.
2. Questions only. Questions are much more effective than
answers in provoking learning. Many of us are eager to
show what we know, to demonstrate our value. So as soon as
someone says, ?This is my issue,? we leap in with
suggestions, stories about our experience, quotes from the
latest journals without noticing that the other person?s
eyes have glazed over. And you should only ask questions
to which you do not know the answer. Otherwise it?s not a
question, it?s a manipulation.
3. How do you listen when you know you?re going to be
tested? You listen with more intention and focus than
usual. Make it a point to repeat back to the other person
what you hear them saying. It can feel odd at first but it
serves two purposes. First, it challenges you to listen
more carefully than usual. Secondly, it demonstrates your
understanding of their point.
4. Check your assumptions about motive. When we assume that
each party wants a positive outcome, we are better at
listening. When we start to get frustrated with each
other, it?s easy to ascribe a negative emotion to the other
person. It can help to check in and remind yourself that
each party is trying to create the best outcome. If you?re
not confident that each party is striving for the best
outcome, you have more important things to talk about!
5. Listen for the needs and values behind the words. What
does your companion need that they might not be getting?
Is it validation, support, or a safe place to vent? What
do they value? Is it excellence, harmony, achievement or
adventure? When you clue into needs and values, you ask
better questions, identify un-named issues and ultimately
dig deeper into what really matters.
6. The conversation hasn?t ended just because the
conversation has ended. Fierce conversation will often
leave us with points to ponder and emotions to sort out.
It can often help the ongoing dialogue move forward if you
schedule a follow up conversation.
Make room for silence.
Fierce conversations make room for silence. The more
emotionally loaded the issue, the more important silence
becomes. Silence enables us each to reflect on our
thoughts and achieve new levels of insight and integration.
Silence can often be the turning point in a conversation.
It also creates space for everyone in the room to offer
their opinion.
Silence is an under-utilized tool. It often makes us feel
uncomfortable. Many of us unconsciously think we have to
fill silences and that something is wrong if no one is
talking.
The following are indications that silence might move the
conversation forward:
? If you find yourself interrupting by talking over someone
else.
? Thinking of what you?re going to say when someone is
talking.
? Knee jerk reactions where you respond with out thinking
first.
? When you find yourself ?demonstrating your expertise?
because you feel insecure.
? Offering advice before the other person has had a chance
to fully explain the situation.
? When you?re doing most of the talking.
? When you create a distraction by changing topics.
? Saying the same thing over and over again.
When used incorrectly, silence can be dangerous too.
Silence can be passive aggressive or result in disengaging
from the conversation. It can be used to avoid topics that
are uncomfortable or ones we?d rather not look at. If you
question whether or not silence is productive, take a look
at your feelings and motives. If you find yourself pulling
away or observe your companion pulling away, say so and get
the conversation back on track.
Although there are at least two people in a conversation,
it only takes one person who chooses to actively listen and
make room for silence to have a fierce conversation. This
opportunity works in your favor because YOU can be that
person. In the coming weeks, try something different, stay
present, listen closely, ask questions and make room for
silence. You will be amazed at the outcome.
----------------------------------------------------
Tim Link is an executive coach and management consultant
with a record of successfully guiding leaders and
organizations from small business through Fortune 50 to
increased employee productivity and satisfaction. Link
Resource Group provides customized business coaching,
consulting and leadership training programs, both large and
small. By working with Link Resource Group, executives,
managers, teams and business owners raise their level of
interpersonal and technical competency, see and surpass
obstacles, and adopt a more focused, strategic approach to
being effective. http://www.LinkResourceGroup.net
