Judges Anonymous

Have you ever found yourself judging anyone, including
yourself? Welcome to the human race! The phenomenon of
judging -- deciding that someone is "not okay,"--is
something most people do--including me. In fact, in my
career as a therapist, I usually found that the few men and
women who believed that they never judged anyone, were in
denial.

As a Marriage, Family Therapist, I have had the opportunity
to explore this common occurrence with my clients. I
noticed the destructive power of this self-defeating
action--for both the judge and the judged. For example,
John, a five year old boy, felt terrible when his father
called him stupid when he made a mistake. John then judged
himself and decided that he was stupid. This negative
decision hurt his self-esteem and affected his life in many
ways, including having an adverse effect on his career and
relationships.

Meanwhile, Bill, the father, was also judged by his parent
when he was growing up and believed that he himself was
stupid. When Bill judged anyone else for making a mistake,
he was unconsciously reaffirming his own negative belief
about himself. The father also felt even worse about
himself when his son performed poorly in school because he
decided that he was stupid. Judgments perpetuate our
fears, and our fears "feed" our judgments. To stop this
viscous cycle, you can let go of judging and overcome your
fears.

If you want to have less judgment in your life, it is
helpful to be aware of when it happens to you. Some of the
most common signs of judgments are phrases such as: "You
are wrong!" "You should __." or "You ought to __." Pointing
a finger at someone is a clear symptom of judgment. Also
listen to your own feelings--when you feel bad or hurt,
when you want to rebel or yell, "No!", or you feel you want
to judge back.

If any of these symptoms appear, I suggest that you take a
deep breath and make constructive statements like: "I
prefer that you give me your opinion and then accept my
decision;" "I feel judged and that doesn't feel good;" When
you speak to me that way I want to rebel;" "Please tell me
what you would like to happen and not what I should do;"
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I have a different
opinion;" or "What are you concerned about?"

I have decided that I no longer want to hurt myself or
others with judgments. So I have been paying close
attention to my words and thoughts. The results have been
amazing. I feel healthier, better about myself and my
relationships are improving dramatically. You can also feel
these benefits when you make a commitment not to judge, and
to accept what happens as an impartial observer.

In the case of abuse, I encourage you to remove yourself
from the destructive situation or tell the person, "This
doesn't feel good to me," or "That is not okay with me."
Then share specifically what is okay or does feel good.
Notice that you are taking care of yourself in a
constructive way without judging anyone.

When we all get off our high bench and discard the role of
the judge, we will be happier, healthier and more
successful in every area of our lives. Imagine the impact
on the world. There would be no wars because we would stop
hurting ourselves, and then, naturally, we would not want
to hurt others. I know that to be true, because when I feel
accepting of myself, I find it easy to be kind and
accepting of others. Have you noticed that same pattern in
yourself or others?

Try these little experiments. Think of a judgment of
yourself and be aware of how you feel. Notice any pain or
tightness in any part of your body. Then say a positive
statement about yourself and notice the difference. Do the
same exercise with others. You are likely to feel much
better when you are accepting yourself and the other person.

Spend one day consciously accepting people and yourself and
avoiding all judging thoughts, words and actions. Notice
carefully what happens. I think you will be pleased.

If you are ready to help others and yourself feel good by
not judging anymore and you need some support, start a
group and call it "Judges Anonymous." Meet regularly to
help each other to be aware of your judgments in a fun and
profound way. Then focus on acceptance, which is one of the
major keys to successful living.

Whether you choose to attend such a group or do it cold
turkey on your own, be patient with yourself. Avoid judging
yourself for judging. These are life-long patterns, and
with commitment and perseverance you will graduate as a
Master of Acceptance. This is one of the most important
degrees you can ever attain because with acceptance comes
unconditional love which is the most priceless gift you can
ever give to yourself and others.

Warning: you must be prepared for improved health, more
energy, joy and friends, wonderful relationships and
success in every area of your life. If at any time all
these wonderful things become too much for you, you can
always start judging again.

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©2006 Helene Rothschild, MS, MA, MFT, is a Marriage, Family
Therapist, intuitive counselor, speaker, and author. Her
new book is, "ALL YOU NEED IS HART!?. She offers phone
sessions, teleclasses, books, e-books, MP3 audios, tapes,
posters, independent studies, and a free newsletter.
http://www.lovetopeace.com , 1-888-639-6390.