Win-Win Is for Losers!

Nearly every negotiating book ever written takes a win-win
approach to agreements. However, master negotiators know
that win-win is for losers. In reality, nobody believes in
win-win because people play to win ? not to tie, and
certainly not to lose.

In martial arts, for example, whether you are sparring for
practice or in a tournament, you do not want your opponent
to win. Even if the person across the mat from you is your
best friend or your brother or sister, you still don't want
them to beat you. There's nothing wrong with this attitude
because the need to win is human nature, for both men and
women, and it's what drives people to do their best.

But let's be clear -- winning doesn't mean breaking even.
If you are an avid gambler you would not consider yourself
a winner if you went to Las Vegas and played blackjack with
$100 for three hours and left the table with $100. If your
hockey or soccer team ends an important game in a tie do
you consider it a win? Martial artists play to win and so
do you.

Contracts are signed with each party's own interests in
mind. Leading up to the contract is the negotiation, and
the winning attitude must start there. This is not to say
that the opposing party does not get what she wants out of
a deal as well, but an experienced negotiator lets her have
it on his own terms. The mark of a master negotiator is to
walk away from the table with what he came for while
letting the other party feel she got a good deal as well.
Now that's skill.

Win-win suggests a tie wherein you, in the best case
scenario, end up with a dissatisfying compromise. On the
other hand, win big/win small means getting what you came
for while still making sure the other party's needs are met
as well. You will always get the best deal in bargaining if
you follow more of a win big/win small philosophy.

When you truly win, it means you got all of your needs met
and obtained as many of your wants as possible. You must
recognize the difference between wants and needs and how to
keep them at the forefront of your mind.

Too many people feel guilty if they win big by obtaining
more of what they want from a deal than the opposite party
seems to. Don't fall into that trap. They aren't going to
agree to any deal where you are the only one to benefit.
For all you know, they may be going through a divorce, job
transfer, illness, need cash, have tax problems, or some
other situation that you are helping them to resolve.

Bargain with your own interests in mind and assume the
other party will do the same. A family had some large,
unused items cluttering up their garage so they asked a
hauling company to come over to give them an estimate.
After looking at the freezer, file cabinets, and other
assorted pieces of furniture the company quoted $200. The
family told them they would have to think about it and
reminded them that if they had to come back, it would cost
them time and money for gas. At that point, the haulers
offered to drop the price down to $175. The family stalled,
suggesting that they might call in a non-profit group who
would gladly accept the items and take them away for free.
After a little more back and forth they eventually settled
for $110. The family was prepared to pay at least $150 ?
the minimum cost of having to do the job themselves -- so
they won big. On the other hand, the hauling company still
got $110 which, for them, meant they won a little as well.
Certainly this was not a win-win but more of a win big-win
small result.

To win big you must see an opening and go for it without
hesitation. If a martial artist is going to break a brick
with his hand he cannot hesitate or he is more likely to
break his wrist than the brick. If you are selling a house
and are still thinking of all of the fond memories it
contains you will not get the best deal because your
emotions will make you hesitate. It's probably better to
wait until your focus is on your next house before putting
this one on the market.

Believe it or not, many people negotiate with the intention
to fail. Watch the words you say or think when a
negotiating opportunity arises. If you hear yourself using
such phrases as, "I'll try" or "I'll do my best" you are
defeated before you even begin. These words say that you
are playing to lose because you're giving an excuse for not
winning. Instead, replace defeatist scripts with such
phrases as, "When I win?" or "When I get the best deal?"

The principle here is "Always negotiate for the best deal
you can for your side. Do not be concerned about fairness
as long as the other party can protect his own interests."
Start out with the intention of getting the best deal you
can and you will.

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Michael Soon Lee, MBA, is the author of the new book ?Black
Belt Negotiating? (AMACOM Books, 2007), a world class
negotiator and martial artist. He has bargained on
everything from major real estate purchases to discounts on
gas for his car. Michael shows people how to use martial
arts secrets to gain leverage in any bargaining situation.
His website is http://www.EthnoConnect.com and his phone
is: (800) 417-7325.