You, Too, Can Enhance Your Relationships

You, Too, Can Enhance Your Relationships
Relationships are a part of everyone's life. A large part
of my professional life has focused on helping clients have
healthy, happy relationships whether it is with their
co-workers, spouse, children, parents, or friends. Having
healthy relationships is also an important sign of
Emotional Intelligence. How do you express caring,
appreciation and/or love to the people who are special to
you?

When you are with someone you care about (adult to adult or
adult to child), you tend to say and do things for the
other person that makes you feel cared about, appreciated,
or loved. This is your primary "love language."

To me, it is like having a target with a bull's eye. When
I ask couples to tell me three things they say or do to
communicate appreciation or caring for each other, often
only one item hits the bull's eye. This means most of the
intent of the message is lost.

In my experience, usually people are putting effort into
saying or doing the things they hope will make the other
person feel appreciated and/or loved. However, unless you
know what makes the other person feel valued, the effort is
wasted. You are not connecting. If you are not
connecting, the message is lost; your effort is in vain.

Gary Chapman believes there are five different patterns for
communicating caring and appreciation. He wrote The 5 Love
Languages and two more books which apply his theory to
children and teens. According to Chapman, the five
different ways people give and receive messages of caring
and appreciation are:

* Time - This has to be quality time in which you give
undivided attention. You might think of it as one-on-one
time doing activities that emphasize togetherness more than
"what" you do.

* Touch - While this is not appropriate in work settings
(except for a hand shake), it is important in families,
especially at times of crisis. Cultures vary on how much
touch is appropriate. In some cultures, people are
offended if greetings do not include a hug or some form of
touch.

* Affirmation - Encouraging words inspire and give courage.
In addition, words of appreciation are especially
meaningful in the work setting. Supervisors and team
leaders need to be able to identify and be comfortable
giving genuine feedback about employees' strengths.

* Gifts - These are visual symbols of appreciation or
caring. It can mean "you were thinking of me." It is
important to not get carried away with this area to the
extent that you disregard the other languages. Gifts may
be made or purchased and are especially important in a time
of crisis. Many of our soldiers in Iraq carry with them
small gifts that remind them of being loved and valued.

* Acts of Service - These are things we do for someone else
because we care or love that person. We might think of
these actions as "giving a helping hand."

We all have a primary love language. Most of us have a
secondary or back-up language. When that is the case, we
are bilingual. We tend to do for others whatever our
primary or secondary language is. If it happens to also be
that person's primary or secondary way of feeling
appreciated and loved, the communication hits the bull's
eye. If not, we did not achieve our goal.

When each person knows his/her primary language as well as
the other person's primary language, there is clear
communication between two people in the area of giving and
receiving caring and appreciation.

To determine your primary love language, think about what
you most often request or want from someone you care about,
i.e. more time, affirmation, etc. You might think about
what hurts you the most when you are thinking of someone
you care about. You might also think about what your
complaints are with that person; then, the opposite would
likely be your primary language.

The following tips will help you become more proficient in
using love language in relationships:

1. Rank order from 1-5 (1-most important) how important
each of the five love languages are to you.

2. Think about your spouse, a friend, or child. Rank order
the importance of the love languages for that person. Talk
about your choices with that person to confirm your
selection.

3. Observe how others express love or appreciation to you.
Listen to what they request most often. Notice what they
frequently complain about not getting. If half the
complaints fall into a pattern, focus on that language with
them. It might be their primary love language.

4. During the early years of infancy, touch, kind words,
and quality time are especially important. The general
rule of thumb for young children from birth to five years
old is: use all of the love languages because it is too
early to figure out the primary one.

5. To determine love languages for children five years or
older or other adults, offer choices, i.e. would you like
to spend some time together or have you help them with
something?

6. With children, you are trying to develop
self-discipline. Respect their love language by not
selecting it as a method of discipline because it will
cause extreme emotional pain. They will feel painful
rejection instead of love from you.

It is important to speak as many of the five love languages
(bilingual to multilingual) as you possibly can. The mark
of a mature adult is the ability to give and receive
appreciation and love through all the love languages.
Start with your primary and secondary languages. Practice
them for several months. As you see the benefits of using
someone's love language, you can add others later. In a
work or team setting, the leader can keep people motivated
and feeling appreciated by getting as close to the bull's
eye as possible.

It is wonderful to know the effort you put into showing
caring for someone will be received as you intended or hit
the bull's eye. Knowing another person's love language
will enhance your relationship. It can build trust, help
heal past hurts, provide a sense of security, self-worth,
and significance.

----------------------------------------------------
Maurine Patten, Ed.D., CMC, Maximize Your Possibilities
http://www.PattenCoaching.com
Mailto:mdpcoach@pattencoaching.com
More resources, articles, ezine subscription, EI and
Pre-retirement assessment at http://www.PattenCoaching.com